Sometimes I Wonder

I was looking forward to writing something humorous this week, but unfortunately, the kids haven’t done anything worth laughing about lately. Maybe this little guy will.

This morning I took in the moment as he played with his Hot Wheels cars. I wanted to freeze time, The closest I came to making that brief time stand still was by snapping a few photos and sharing them on Facebook. He is my baby and I am far from ready to let go.

This weekend had me wondering about many different things, hence the title of this post.  After some tears and a heated discussion last night I was left wondering about my marriage.  Am I being the best wife I can be?  Am I showing my love to Chris in the ways that he expects?  After eleven and half years I am still trying to answer those questions.

This is the only photo I can find of the two of us together without all the kids.

But, this weekend something or someone else, has been weighing on my mind more than Chris and my marriage.  This beautiful girl is turning 18 next month and I wonder if I did a good enough job as her mother.

As this milestone of a birthday quickly approaches and she turns into an adult I wonder if she is really ready for all the responsibilities comes with adulthood.  Have I done all the right things in preparing her for this next chapter in her life? She may be ready, but I don’t know if I am.

Chris and I rely on Goose to help us with the kids when we go on dates or run errands. Usually she does a good job babysitting, but this weekend something happened which is causing me to wonder if she is ready for the next stage in life.

On Saturday Chris and I had a date night. I discovered a bunch of unused gift cards in my purse so we decided to spend some of them. Then we went out to dinner.  During dinner, Goose called Chris. She said that Kitty had a headache and she couldn’t find the children’s ibuprofen.  Before Chris hung up the phone, she found the medicine and administered it to her younger sister.

After dinner we had two more stops planned.  Once we got back into our van after one of our last stops, my phone rang.  Goose was on the line.

“Mom, Kitty threw up right after I gave her the ibuprofen. When I went to check on her Monkey got a hold of the bottle of medicine and took a huge swig.”

I could sense the panic in her voice. The only stop Chris and I had left before we went home was grocery shopping.

“What should I do Mom? The boys are acting crazy and they won’t sit still.”

“Did your sister make a mess or did she get to the bathroom?”

“She made it to the bathroom.”

“Can you keep everything together for an hour and a half? Your dad and I just have to get groceries and then we will be on our way home.”

“The boys are driving me nuts!”

To make this long story short, we skipped grocery shopping and headed home.

If she can’t handle the kids for a couple of hours, what can she handle? My little girl is growing up too quickly and I am not ready.  Goose has been thinking about joining a convent.  She is what we Catholics call, “discerning.” Which means that she is thinking about, ” taking vows which emphasize the values of prayer, loving service, and simple living in community with others. Consecrated women serve the Church and community in many ways, including: youth ministry, homeless and hungry, battered women, education, health care, family life and parish pastoral ministry.” (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops)

Chris and I have known since she was little that Goose has a calling from God. We always thought that she should and would become a nun.  In May she will graduate from high school.  This summer we will meet with the Diocesan Vocation Director and then schedule some visits to local convents. In the meantime all I can do is pray.

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