A Bit Gloomy

I don’t know what to title this yet. I’m just going to type what is on my mind at this moment. Easter is all over, our Florida trip ended, the kids are back in school, Chris is back to working 80+ hours a week, today is a gloomy day with thunderstorms and I’ve been feeling a bit gloomy myself.

I have no idea how many people actually read my posts here completely, or who reads them for that matter.  There is so much on my mind, and I’m full of so many emotions. However, I don’t know how vulnerable I want to be on this blog.  If I say too much, tell too much about how I am feeling and what I am thinking, the wrong person may read this and I’ll get hurt, or someone else will get hurt.

Through my years of blogging I have learned that writing my thoughts and feeling is great therapy.  I haven’t been very happy lately, and I haven’t slept much this past week.  I am often greeted with, “God Bless you!” or “You are such a wonderful and patient mother.” from acquaintances from church. But, they don’t really know the whole story. I’m hurting. I’m tired.  This whole motherhood thing, and parenting special needs children, without a whole lot of help, is draining on me.

I am yearning for some time away. Time away from my kids, time away from my husband and time with girlfriends would be welcomed.  I would love to hop on a plane with a few close girl friends and go somewhere far away.  Even if it was just for a weekend, I think I would feel much better.

Chris works 80+ hours a week and is away from us, his family a lot.  The kids miss him.  I miss having someone there every night to talk to, help with the dishes, have a glass of wine and relax with.  This week he was in Chicago and got home at a decent hour. But, we just didn’t connect like married couples should.

When he is home the evening are the same ever single night. He gets home after dinner is over but before bed time starts.  When a half an hour passes I tell the kids to go and get there pajamas on and start getting ready for bed.  In his subtle but “I am the man and in charge,” way Chris pushes me aside and rushes the kids upstairs to help them get ready for bed before I get the chance to get up off of the couch.  I know he means well, but, I hate being demeaned and pushed aside. Sometimes I wonder if he even trusts me to take care of his children.  As parents we are supposed to work as a team, right? Sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen.

Once the kids are in bed all he wants to do is watch TV. So we sit around and watch television until 10pm.  This repeats every night that he is home.

This weekend Chris is flying out to Reno to meet up with his best friend who lives in Sacramento, California, where they both grew up. I have mixed feelings about him leaving for a weekend.  My mother told me that sometimes people need breaks and I should give him a break because Chris works hard. She has a great point.  But, my kids are little, they have special needs, Chris travels a lot for work and by the weekend I am exhausted and need a break.  Also, April and May are crazy busy months. I have a couple of big events that I need to plan for.  I need this weekend to do it.  But, with Chris gone, I won’t have help with the kids making it impossible for me to complete my to-do list. I am going to have to push everything back another week and wait for Chris to be home.

I am tired.  I am tired of having to accompany my autistic son to every single extra curricular activity that he is involved in.  I’ve been told that he needs to get out and socialize outside of school. I offer opportunities for him to do so, but then he misbehaves because he doesn’t understand social norms. This leaves me no choice but to sit by his side to help.

I am tired. I am tired of driving out to McHenry three days a week for therapy and psychiatrists visits for my girls and little boy with ADHD.  My son’s prescription came in late on Thursday. We were busy with the tridiuum so I wasn’t able to go and get it then. Hoping I could pick it up on Good Friday I drove out to McHenry only to learn that nobody was working that day.  I should have known.  My son went without his Ritalin the whole Easter weekend.  I took him to mass on Thursday night. Fortunately he fell asleep. But on Good Friday his hyperactivity embarrassed me at church.

I am tired. I am tired of not sleeping at night. I am tired of worrying about my kids, my husband and my marriage.  I have been told that I worry too much and I shouldn’t. But, worrying is in my nature. It is part of who I am and I can’t control it.  That’s probably why I can’t sleep and I have stomach aches all the time.

I am tired and I feel a bit gloomy today.

*image credit: freedigitalphotos.net.

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