I haven’t figured it out yet. This is certain, though. I have been extremely tired and unmotivated for about a week now and I don’t know why. I just can not put a finger on it. These days all I want to do is sit on my butt and play Candy Crush Saga on my android tablet. At night I dream about clearing the jelly and dropping the ingredients down. I wonder if and when I am going to pass that next level. My emotions are filled with excitement when I pass a level on the first try until disappointment hits when I run out of lives. Is this all I want to do with my life?
I am constantly on my kids about how long they spend in front of the computer or playing with had held electronic devices. To avoid fights and a sedentary lifestyle, my kids get 30 minutes in front of the computer a day and nothing more. But why do I crave sitting around and doing nothing all day? I am not leading a good example for my little blessings. But the motivation is nearly gone.
I am leaning toward the depressed answer to my question. When I was a teenager I saw a therapist and was on medication for clinical depression and mild anxiety. Now that I am an adult I’ve noticed that my depression isn’t as bad but my anxiety is much worse. My depression has it’s peaks and valleys and I’ve often compared it to a roller coaster. I can be on an upward hill for years and then all of a sudden I go strait down. I never know how far down I am going to go, what triggers it or when I am going to stop. I am tired, warn out and ready to give up.
This post is not a cry for help or a request for your pitty. I just find blogging a great way to release my thoughts and emotions. I feel better once it is all out there in black and white letters across a bright yellow screen.
I am tired. I am tired of having endless conversations without meanings with my teenage daughter. I am tired of seeing my eight-year-old’s red bare eyelids. I am tired of telling my little Monkey to stop hurting his siblings. I am tired of changing poop-filled underwear and washing stinky pants every single day. I am tired of being alone two to three nights a week without adult conversation. I am tired of picking up toys, doing dishes, and doing laundry every single day.
I miss my mother and my good friends back in Wisconsin. I miss going out for margaritas at Dos Gringos with Nikki and Jess. I miss walking across the street to the park with my little kids and having pleasant conversations with the neighborhood moms. I miss tending to my garden, picking fresh vegetables in the summer and watching my beautiful flowers grow. I miss walking out to the lake at the end of our street, sitting down in my “thinking spot,” and watching the ducks float on the water. I miss the short one hour drive to my mother’s house. I miss playing my flute at mass on Sundays. I guess I miss the life that I had over five years ago. Washington is not my home and it will never be home.
The long cold months out here are draining me. I miss the change of the four seasons and the sound of the woodpecker pecking at the old tree in my back yard. I am tired, cold and lonely. Maybe our upcoming trip to Arizona for spring break will cheer me up. I am craving the sunshine.