Depressed or Just Tired?

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I haven’t figured it out yet.  This is certain, though.  I have been extremely tired and unmotivated for about a week now and I don’t know why.  I just can not put a finger on it.  These days all I want to do is sit on my butt and play Candy Crush Saga on my android tablet.  At night I dream about clearing the jelly and dropping the ingredients down. I wonder if and when I am going to pass that next level. My emotions are filled with excitement when I pass a level on the first try until disappointment hits when I run out of lives.  Is this all I want to do with my life?

I am constantly on my kids about how long they spend in front of the computer or playing with had held electronic devices.  To avoid fights and a sedentary lifestyle, my kids get 30 minutes in front of the  computer a day and nothing more.  But why do I crave sitting around and doing nothing all day? I am not leading a good example for my little blessings.  But the motivation is nearly gone.

I am leaning toward the depressed answer to my question. When I was a teenager I saw a therapist and was on medication for clinical depression and mild anxiety.  Now that I am an adult I’ve noticed that my depression isn’t as bad but my anxiety is much worse.  My depression has it’s peaks and valleys and I’ve often compared it to a roller coaster.  I can be on an upward hill for years and then all of a sudden I go strait down.  I never know how far down I am going to go, what triggers it or when I am going to stop.  I am tired, warn out and ready to give up.

This post is not a cry for help or a request for your pitty.  I just find blogging a great way to release my thoughts and emotions.  I feel better once it is all out there in black and white letters across a bright yellow screen.

I am tired.  I am tired of having endless conversations without meanings with my teenage daughter.  I am tired of seeing my eight-year-old’s red bare eyelids.  I am tired of telling my little Monkey to stop hurting his siblings.  I am tired of changing poop-filled underwear and washing stinky pants every single day.  I am tired of being alone two to three nights a week without adult conversation.  I am tired of picking up toys, doing dishes, and doing laundry every single day.

I miss my mother and my good friends back in Wisconsin.  I miss going out for margaritas at Dos Gringos with Nikki and Jess. I miss walking across the street to the park with my little kids and having pleasant conversations with the neighborhood moms.  I miss tending to my garden, picking fresh vegetables in the summer and watching my beautiful flowers grow.  I miss walking out to the lake at the end of our street, sitting down in my “thinking spot,” and watching the ducks float on the water. I miss the short one hour drive to my mother’s house. I miss playing my flute at mass on Sundays.  I guess I miss the life that I had over five years ago.  Washington is not my home and it will never be home.

The long cold months out here are draining me.  I miss the change of the four seasons and the sound of the woodpecker pecking at the old tree in my back yard.  I am tired, cold and lonely.  Maybe our upcoming trip to Arizona for spring break will cheer me up.  I am craving the sunshine.

Cascia Talbert is a Catholic mother of five special needs kids. In 2018 she published the book, "Taking Care of Your Family's Health and Well-Being, Saints to Turn to and the Catholic Faith," available anywhere books are sold. She is also a professional flutist and an Avon Independent Sales Representative. You can learn more about Cascia on the following websites, cjsfunandgames.com and avoncrystallake.com. She lives in the Chicago suburbs with her husband, children and Baby, the playful black kitty.

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